Take back control of your co-parenting communication.
BestInterest filters conflict, coaches your tone, and helps you rebuild calm — one message at a time.
Is your anxiety “dumping” all over your kids and fueling the conflict?
As a blended family parenting couple, my partner, Louise, and I know exactly how exhausting it can be to navigate the daily challenges of raising kids across two households. We frequently listen to Kirk Martin’s Calm Parenting Podcast and absolutely love his no-nonsense, highly practical approach to parenting. His advice has been a game-changer for our family.
That’s why Louise reached out to Kirk directly to invite him onto the Coparenting Beyond Conflict podcast to share his wisdom with all of us. In this powerful episode, Louise steps in as guest host to sit down with Kirk and uncover why your child’s “defiance” is often a mirror of your own internal storm.
Listening to their conversation, I was struck by Kirk’s radical shift in perspective: how to move from trying to control an uncooperative co-parent or a strong-willed child to becoming the “calm anchor” that leads your family to peace through your own self-regulation.
If you are looking for practical ways to protect your peace, practice calm parenting, and empower your kids, here are our biggest takeaways from Louise’s conversation with Kirk:
Find us on your favorite podcast app and YouTube too.
Table of Contents
The Humility Lead: Breaking Generational Trauma
Many of us were raised with a strict, “my way or the highway” approach to discipline. But as Kirk shared with Louise, that model completely backfired with his son, Casey, who came into the world with “boxing gloves on.” When you are raising a strong-willed child, authoritarian control often just escalates the battle. It’s by definition not calm parenting.
Kirk shared a beautiful, heartbreaking wake-up call where he realized his own lack of emotional regulation was crushing his son’s spirit. To break the cycle of generational trauma, Kirk had to learn the power of humility.
De-escalation Strategies in Action: Instead of demanding an apology during a blow-up, Kirk literally got down on his son’s level. After a tense standoff, he walked into his son’s room, sat on the floor, and quietly started building with Legos. There was no eye contact, no lecturing, and no dominance—just a profound, humble bid for connection. That humility gave his son the safe space to calm down and apologize on his own terms. We can’t control our kids (or our exes), but by controlling ourselves, we invite them to step out of the fighting ring.
Surviving High Conflict Coparenting: The “Two-Boss” Analogy
One of the hardest parts of navigating a split is watching your kids bounce between two vastly different realities. If you are doing the hard work to heal and your ex is not, your children are caught in the confusing crossfire.
I loved the analogy Kirk used when talking to Louise: Imagine going to an office every day with two bosses who give you conflicting orders and different metrics for success. You’d be furious and exhausted. That’s exactly what our kids experience in high conflict coparenting.
The “Throw a Bone” Bridge & The 3-Tradition Anchor: To reduce this friction, Kirk suggests engaging a stubborn co-parent by focusing purely on the child’s confusion rather than the other parent’s failings. You might say: “I’m realizing it’s really confusing for the kids to have two different sets of rules. Could we come up with three traditions we both do?” Even if your co-parent refuses, you can still be the calm anchor in your own home. Implement “Re-Entry Rituals” when your kids return to you. Instead of bombarding them with chores or homework the second they walk through the door, use a scavenger hunt, a consistent snack time, or 10 minutes of fresh air to help them decompress from the transition.
The 7-Minute Vent: Calm Parenting In Action
When you’re dealing with a difficult ex, it’s normal to feel constant frustration. But when we don’t properly process that anger, it leaks out in the form of passive-aggressive arrows shot at our kids.
Kirk recommends a specific container for your grief and anger as a crucial part of divorce recovery: The 7-Minute Vent.
- Set a timer: Give yourself exactly seven minutes alone in the car or a quiet room to be completely, unapologetically furious at your ex or the situation.
- Get it all out: Validate your own feelings. It’s okay to feel robbed, angry, or guilty.
- Pivot to problem-solving: Once the seven minutes are up, shift your attitude. Leave the bitterness in that container so it doesn’t seep into your daily parenting.
Blended Family Tips: The Stepparent Sounding Board
Louise and I know firsthand the delicate balance of building a blended family. When Louise asked for stepparenting advice, Kirk’s answer was clear, protective, and grounding: tread lightly.
When a new adult enters the picture, kids often view them as an intruder disrupting their fragile peace. For stepparents, it’s not about your ego or your love story; it’s about innocent kids trying to make sense of a fractured foundation.
- Don’t force the bond: Release kids from the expectation that they have to love, or even like, you right away.
- Step back on discipline: The biological parent should handle the primary discipline. A stepparent’s role is to come alongside, support, and calm the biological parent.
- Embrace the Teenage Years: One of my favorite blended family tips from this episode is that teenagers actually crave an adult sounding board who isn’t their biological parent. By stepping back from an authoritarian role, stepparents can become trusted confidants. Take them out for a smoothie, ask questions, and listen without trying to fix everything.
The Validation Boundary
Kids of divorce carry a lot of big, confusing feelings, and sometimes they aim them right at us. When your child yells, “I hate you,” or expresses anger about the divorce, Kirk advises using “The Validation Boundary.”
First, validate the pain: “Of course you’re mad. You didn’t choose this, and it’s incredibly hard.” But simultaneously, hold a firm line on respectful behavior: “But you cannot call me names or punch the wall.” Allowing their feelings to exist without letting them dictate the household rules is key to raising an emotionally mature child.
Peace Starts Inside You
At the end of their conversation, Louise asked Kirk where peace truly begins. His answer was simple: “Inside of you.”
We cannot control the storm raging in the other household, but we can control the emotional weather in our own. By sitting with our triggers, leading with humility, and utilizing tools like the BestInterest app to filter out toxic communication from an ex, we give our kids the greatest gift possible: a ground, calm parent who will always be their safe harbor.
Resources
- Calm Parenting Podcast: A great resource for parents looking for ways to improve communication with their children.
