Setting Effective Boundaries in Coparenting

Boundaries are essential in any relationship, but especially in coparenting, where maintaining respect and clear communication is crucial for the well-being of both parents and children. The most effective co-parenting boundaries are not about controlling others but about defining what you will or won’t accept and taking appropriate action if those boundaries are crossed. Another word for this type of boundary is an “internal boundary”.

One of the challenges in coparenting relationships, especially those involving a narcissist or someone with borderline personality disorder, is that boundaries are often disrespected. Without underlying mutual trust and respect, boundaries are hard to enforce.

Many of us grew up in homes without good boundaries, so it’s understandable that may not know what they are or how to implement them in your coparenting relationship for better co-parenting communication.

Here we cover how to set and maintain healthy boundaries in your coparenting relationship:

Understanding Co-parenting Boundaries

Boundaries are guidelines or limits that you set for yourself to protect your emotional and physical well-being. They help you define what behavior is acceptable and what is not.

It’s a common misconception that boundaries are limits that you place on others: those are “rules”. Unlike rules imposed on others, boundaries are about your own actions and responses.

Why Boundaries Are Important

• Protect Emotional Health: Boundaries help you manage stress and protect your emotional well-being.
• Ensure Respect: They promote mutual respect and understanding in your coparenting relationship. In some ways, it’s a lot like training a dog: providing structure allows the other side to know what is acceptable and what is not.
• Maintain Focus: Boundaries keep the focus on your child’s needs and prevent unnecessary conflicts.
• Set a Good Example For Your Children: Many of us were not raised with good examples of relationship boundaries. Your children will benefit from witnessing you standing up for yourself.

How To Set a Good Boundary

1. Boundaries Are About You
   • The best boundaries are about what you will or won’t accept, not about controlling the other person’s behavior. Many high conflict individuals, like those with Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissism, don’t take well to boundaries and won’t respect them as a rule. By ensuring that your boundaries are governed by you alone, you take back the power in this dynamic.
   • Self-Focused: Boundaries should be focused on your actions. For example, instead of saying, “You cannot yell at me,” say, “I will not engage in a conversation where I am being yelled at.” In fact, you can set boundaries for yourself, such as agreeing that you will never engage in defensive behavior with your ex, as demonstrated by the JADE technique.
2. Communicate Clearly
   • Clearly communicate your boundaries to your coparent in a respectful and straightforward manner.
   • State Your Boundaries: Be direct and specific about what you will or will not accept. For example, “I need us to communicate respectfully. If the conversation becomes disrespectful, I will end it.”
3. Enforce Boundaries Consistently
   • It’s important to enforce your boundaries consistently to ensure they are respected.
   • Take Action: If your boundary is crossed, take the action you’ve communicated. For example, if your coparent starts yelling, calmly end the conversation and walk away.
4. Be Prepared to Walk Away
   • If someone repeatedly crosses your boundaries, be prepared to walk away or take more significant steps.
   • Leave the Situation: If your coparent continually disrespects your boundaries, limit your interactions to necessary communication about your child. Use exclusively written communication or coparenting apps if verbal interactions are problematic.
   • Consider the Relationship: If the disrespect continues, you may need to reconsider the nature of your relationship and take steps to protect yourself and your child.

Common Misconceptions

There are several misconceptions about what boundaries are and how they work. Clarifying these misconceptions can help you set and maintain effective boundaries.

1. Boundaries Are About Controlling Others
   • Misconception: Boundaries are rules you set to control the other person’s behavior.
   • Reality: Boundaries are about what you will or won’t accept, not about dictating how others should behave. They focus on your responses and actions.
2. Setting Boundaries Is Selfish
   • Misconception: Setting boundaries means you are being selfish and uncooperative.
   • Reality: Boundaries are necessary for healthy relationships. They protect your well-being and create a respectful and cooperative environment.
3. Boundaries Are a Sign of Weakness
   • Misconception: Needing boundaries means you are weak and unable to handle conflict. This is a common counter-attack by high conflict individuals: calling you weak for imposing boundaries.
   • Reality: Setting boundaries requires strength and self-awareness. It shows that you respect yourself and your needs.
4. Once Set, Boundaries Don’t Change
   • Misconception: Boundaries are rigid and unchangeable once they are set.
   • Reality: While it is important to be consistent in your boundaries, boundaries can evolve over time as situations change. It’s important to reassess and adjust them as needed to ensure they remain effective.

Examples of Setting and Enforcing Boundaries

1. Communication Boundaries
   • Co-parenting Boundary: “I will only communicate through a coparenting app to ensure all conversations are respectful and documented.”
   • Action: If your coparent tries to switch to another form of communication, remind them of the boundary and stick to the agreed method. They may attempt to contact you via other means, but you should always reply using in the coparenting app to continue to enforce your boundary. Switching back and forth can result in confusion, and ultimately, cause difficulty in your coparenting relationship.
2. Respectful Interaction
   • Co-parenting Boundary: “I will not participate in conversations that involve name-calling or insults.”
   • Action: If name-calling begins, calmly end the conversation and explain why you are doing so. Offer to resume the conversation at another time. The less of a reaction you have to the violation, the better the outcome: by simply walking away, you are communicating volumes about your self respect and power.
3. Time Management
   • Co-parenting Boundary: “I will not accommodate last-minute changes to the visitation schedule unless it’s an emergency.”
   • Action: If your coparent requests a last-minute change, politely decline and refer to the agreed upon schedule. Unless your parenting plan requires you to approve changes, you are respecting yourself by not agreeing to last minute changes.
4. Personal Space
   • Co-parenting Boundary: “I need advance notice for visits or pickups at my home.”
   • Action: If your coparent shows up unannounced, do not engage and reiterate the need for advance notice. Turning them away when they violate this privacy violation can ensure your emotional and physical safety.

Maintaining Boundaries

1. Be Consistent: Consistency reinforces the importance of your boundaries and ensures they are taken seriously.
2. Stay Calm: Maintain a calm demeanor when enforcing boundaries. Emotional reactions can undermine your position.
3. Seek Support: If necessary, seek support from a therapist or support group to help you maintain and enforce your boundaries.

Final Thoughts

Setting and maintaining boundaries is crucial for a healthy coparenting relationship. Remember, the most effective boundaries are about what you will or won’t accept, not about controlling the other person’s behavior. By setting these clear internal boundaries, you alone are responsible for upholding them, which makes them more powerful. By clearly communicating your boundaries and consistently enforcing them, you can protect your well-being and ensure a respectful coparenting dynamic.

Setting internal boundaries can be extremely challenging, especially when we are feeling stressed and under-resourced. That’s why it’s also essential that you practice good self-care to keep your internal resources up. Also, having a good therapist can help you come up with good boundaries and help enforce them.

Implement these principles to create a more respectful and cooperative coparenting relationship, ultimately benefiting both you and your child.

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