Todd Sarner on Transformative Parenting

Have you ever wondered if you’re “failing” as a parent… or worried that conflict in your marriage or co-parenting relationship will define your child’s future? I sat down with Todd Sarner, MFT – founder of Transformative Parenting and a seasoned psychotherapist with two decades of experience – to talk about what a connected parent actually does when kids are overwhelmed, exchanges are tense, and guilt creeps in.

Why I Sat Down With Todd Sarner, MFT

Todd’s work is attachment-based and deeply practical. As he told me on the podcast, resilience isn’t about perfection – it’s built through repair, consistency, and a secure attachment that lets a child feel seen and safe. This episode is packed with free advice about co-parenting and parenting-through-chaos. If you’re ready to transform, this conversation will resonate.

What We Get Wrong About “Good Parenting”

Most parents everywhere want easy answers. Todd is clear: there isn’t one. In real family life, kids move through waves of separation and reunion, and their nervous system needs steady leadership more than flawless execution. Upset is normal. What matters is how we react, repair, and reconnect.

He also challenges a common belief that marriage or staying together at any cost guarantees better outcomes. What protects kids is a secure bond with each parent, not a perfect couple. Sometimes the healthiest path includes marriage counseling, therapy, or redefining the relationship so everyone can thrive.

The Attachment Lens – A Fundamental Shift

When Todd talks attachment, he’s drawing on Bowlby, Ainsworth, and his time with the Neufeld Institute. The first step is accepting that children constantly scan: “Are you there for me?” That’s the root. From there:

• Connection first, boundary second. Kids accept limits when they feel held. A clear boundary lands when a parent is calm and emotionally present.
• Thousands of reps. Real change comes from repeated moments of co-regulation – you see the overwhelm, you collect, you soothe, you help it melt, and you move on together.
• Repair is gold. When you miss a cue or lose your calm, circle back. Name it. That accountability builds secure attachment and genuine cooperation.

Hotspots That Trigger Struggle – And What To Do

Transitions and Exchanges

Todd normalizes the turbulence around handoffs. Kids can’t attach to two people at once, so they often withdraw from one parent as they reattach to the other. Don’t assume the other house is “the problem.” Instead:

• Collect: eye contact, a smile, a nod – “I’ve got you.”
• Bridge: small rituals or items that help them hold on while apart.
• Matchmake: speak respectfully about the other parent so the child can love both without a loyalty bind.

Polarization Around Limits vs Love

One couple tightens rules while the other fights for softness. Todd’s take: both instincts contain truth. Lead with connection – then set limits kindly and consistently. Collaboration beats blame as a strategy to manage behavior and build resilience.

Guilt, Anger, and Stories We Tell Ourselves

Divorce doesn’t “doom” kids. Chronic conflict does. If you’re carrying guilt or anger, invest in your own mental health. Journal. Get a seasoned coach or therapist. Your regulated presence is the lever that moves the system.

A Systematic Approach Parents Can Use This Week

Todd’s systematic approach favors small, repeatable practices that create lasting change:

1. Collect daily. Every reunion gets a warm register – “There you are. I’m here.”
2. Name the feeling, hold the limit. “You’re furious we’re leaving the park – and we’re going.”
3. Repair on purpose. “I got sharp earlier. That wasn’t helpful. I’m sorry.”
4. Bridge the separation. Calendars, notes, bracelets – whatever helps your child hold on while apart.
5. Matchmake the bond. “Your dad loves you. He’ll be excited to hear about this.”
6. Do your inner work. Journal, breathe, walk, call your coach. Your steadiness changes the dynamics.

If you’re seeking direct support, Todd offers private coaching and small groups for parents who are ready to grow into their greatest potential. He also recommends a free 20-minute masterclass as orientation. As he puts it, if you’re ready to transform, you must first watch the masterclass to align on principles before a session – it helps successful parents get early traction and get early access to the practices that matter.

After a disagreement with your child, Todd suggests you say:

“I love you and even if we fight, it’s all going to be okay.”

Where BestInterest Fits

If communication with your co-parent is a source of overwhelm, BestInterest can help you keep your messages calm and court-ready.

• AI moderation filters inflammatory content before you see it.
• Coaching prompts help you write neutral, child-centered replies.
• Message boundaries reduce notification fatigue so you can show up regulated for your kids.

It’s not a replacement for therapy or marriage counseling, but it is a daily ally that keeps your bandwidth focused where it counts – your child’s secure base.

Get the FREE AI-Powered Coparenting App:

Resources From Todd Sarner

• Transformative Parenting – free masterclass and newsletter for parents who want real change
• YouTube channel with bite-size teachings that help parents make steady shifts
• Private coaching and small-group programs anchored in attachment and practical leadership

Todd’s consistent message across 20 years and many podcasts is simple and genuine: your presence matters more than perfection. If the timing feels right, take the first step.

Final Word – From Chaos To Connection

If you feel stuck, you’re not alone. With steadier leadership, a few well-placed rituals, and the humility to repair, you can reduce overwhelm, restore trust, and watch cooperation melt back in. There are no easy answers – but there is a clear path. Start small. Stay calm. Keep connecting. Your family can thrive.

Ready for less conflict? The BestInterest coparent app is endorsed by family law experts and trusted by coparents just like you.

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