Understanding ACEs and the Divorce System with Vicky Townsend

In this powerful episode of Co-Parenting Beyond Conflict, I sat down with divorce professional Vicky Townsend, founder of Divorce Right, to talk about the unseen forces shaping our divorces, the impact on our parenting, and our futures—starting with one small but mighty concept: the ACE score.

Divorce Doesn’t Have to Destroy You: The Transition

“I spent six figures getting through my divorce—and I’m a pretty smart girl,” Vicky said early in our conversation. Her story of being financially and emotionally drained by a system she called “labyrinthine by design” set the tone for a deep dive into how broken the traditional divorce process can be. Going through a divorce is painful to navigate, even for divorce industry professionals.

We talked about the hidden financial cost of conflict, how lawyers sometimes escalate rather than de-escalate, and how the system profits when parents stay scared, unprepared, and emotionally reactive.

“There’s a lot of money to be made in conflict and chaos.”

Vicky explained how divorce can cut an individual’s workplace productivity by up to 40%—a collective $400 billion annual loss in the U.S. economy.

But it doesn’t have to be this way.

“There are five ways to divorce. Most people only know one: lawyer up and go to war. That’s the most expensive—and the least effective.”

Her preferred approaches? Mediation and collaboration—especially when kids and limited assets are involved.

What Is an ACE Score—and Why Does It Matter?

We spent a big part of the episode discussing Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs). Divorce is one of the ten original ACEs identified in the landmark CDC-Kaiser study, meaning that every child of divorce starts with at least one ACE point.

“Giving your child one ACE point for divorce is the same as if they’d experienced sexual molestation. It’s one-tenth of a trauma scale. That’s how serious it is.”

ACEs correlate with everything from addiction to incarceration, homelessness, depression, and even early death. The more ACEs a person has, the greater their risk.

And here’s the kicker: parents’ ACE scores matter too.

“The higher your ACE scores, the higher your risk for divorce. So we’re on both sides of that.”

Vicky shared how she uses ACE scores in mediation to help parents grasp the gravity of what their children are experiencing—and to make better, more informed choices.

Parenting With Insight and Intention

“If this is the last ACE score your child ever gets—make it the last one,” Vicky told us. That hit me hard.

Because once you understand how your own childhood trauma shapes your reactions, your communication style, your ability to regulate and co-parent—you can change. You can pause. You can respond instead of react.

“It’s hard to read the label when you’re inside the jar.”

By seeking help, working with coaches, or even using trauma-informed tools like BestInterest, co-parents can create a calmer post-divorce life—and help their children grow up with fewer scars.

Special Marriage Challenges for First Responders

Vicky works closely with first responders, a group with uniquely high ACE scores. Firefighters, police officers, and military personnel face intense chronic trauma, shift work, stress exposure, and a pervasive “bro culture” that often undermines healthy marriages.

“They have four high-risk factors baked into their job description. And they’re walking into family court like they’re expected to know how to fix a fire.”

Her company offers special support ecosystems for these workers, including mental health services, parenting resources, and discounted mediation.

Breaking the Cycle

Divorce isn’t inherently destructive—but the way we do it often is. When we litigate out of fear or rage, when we model toxic conflict, when we ignore the emotional needs of our kids—we perpetuate cycles of trauma.

But as Vicky reminded us:

“You can both end your relationship with dignity. Even if you hate each other. Even if you’re hurting. You can still choose a path that doesn’t bankrupt you or traumatize your kids.”

Takeaways and Next Steps

1. Know your ACE score. Take the test—it only takes a few minutes.
2. If you’re co-parenting, commit to minimizing conflict in front of your children.
3. Explore alternatives to litigation. Mediation, collaboration, and DIY approaches are often faster, cheaper, and less traumatic.
4. Support first responders. If you’re in HR or work with emergency personnel, connect with Divorce Right or Bridgewell EAP.
5. Use tools like BestInterest. Trauma-informed tech can reduce conflict and improve communication.

As Vicky put it:

“You don’t have to run into the produce department when you see your ex. You can walk away from your marriage with your head high—and your child’s future intact.”

Where to Connect with Vicky Townsend: Founder of Divorce Right

For more about Vicky’s work, visit DivorceRightInc.com.

Share this article: