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If you are navigating a high-conflict separation or dealing with a narcissistic co-parent, you probably know the feeling of the family court “merry-go-round.” Just when you think the dust has settled, another ridiculous filing pulls you right back into the chaos. It’s exhausting, it’s expensive, and it can leave you feeling completely powerless.
When I sat down with Denise Kavaliauskas on the Coparenting Beyond Conflict podcast, I was immediately struck by her incredibly empowering approach to this exact nightmare. Denise is a divorce doula—a professional who walks men and women through the entire lifecycle of a messy, high-conflict split so they can actually achieve the peaceful results they set out to find.
Denise and I talked about the systemic flaws of family law, the four pillars of healing, and what winning your divorce actually looks like (hint: it’s not about fighting harder in court). If you are feeling stuck in the legal and emotional trenches right now, I highly recommend listening to our full conversation. Here are some of the most powerful takeaways from our chat.
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What a Divorce Doula Teaches About the Family Court Trap
One of the most validating parts of my conversation with Denise Kavaliauskas was hearing her candid perspective on the family court system. She refers to the modern divorce industry as a system designed to keep parents fighting, noting that the longer the conflict drags on, the more money changes hands.
“The most expensive emotion you can bring into a divorce is fear,” Denise told me. When we operate out of fear—scared of threats, scared of losing our children, scared of financial ruin—we are easily intimidated by aggressive attorneys and a confusing legal system. We end up handing our power over to professionals, expecting them to “save” us, which only perpetuates a cycle of codependency and conflict.
As a divorce doula, Denise teaches her clients how to step off this merry-go-round by rising out of the “abuser-victim consciousness.” You cannot successfully navigate a split from a narcissistic co-parent if you are operating from the same disempowered, victimized identity you held while in the relationship. You have to step into a new, empowered version of yourself.
Winning Your Divorce with the Four Pillars of Healing
When you exit a highly toxic dynamic, the emotional wounds are deep. You might be struggling with how to trust your own instincts again. Denise adapts Don Miguel Ruiz’s keys to healing (from his book The Mastery of Love) into a framework she uses to help clients focus on winning your divorce from the inside out:
- Forgiveness: This isn’t about telling your ex that their abuse was okay. “Forgiveness is letting it go,” Denise explained. When you hold onto a grudge, you create an internal prison for yourself. Forgiving is the act of releasing them from your energy so you can be free.
- Truth: Truth acts like an antiseptic on a burn. It stings at first, but it cleans out the wound. It requires getting fiercely honest about your reality and what you have control over.
- Love: You have to love yourself enough to do the hard, crunchy work of healing, boundary-setting, and walking away from toxicity.
- Trust: Rebuilding trust in yourself is essential. You must learn to trust your own perception and your ability to make safe choices for your future.
The “Energetic Letter” and Setting Boundaries
Communication is often the most triggering part of shared custody. When your ex sends an abusive or gaslighting message, your first instinct is usually to fire back, defend yourself, or point out their lies.
Instead of sending a reactive text, Denise recommends a powerful exercise: the Energetic Letter.
- Get it all out: Take a pen and paper (blue ink on white paper is best for the brain, she notes) and write down every angry, hurt, and frustrated feeling you have toward your ex. Let them have it.
- Draw the line: Once it’s all out of your system, draw a literal line across the paper. This represents your boundary in the sand.
- Declare your availability: Below the line, write, “From here on out, I am only available for…” and list your non-negotiables (e.g., respectful interactions, child-focused updates).
You never send this letter. But by purging the toxic energy before you draft your actual response, you ensure that your real communication is calm, confident, and courageous.
Denise Kavaliauskas on Becoming Truly “Unbothered”
Perhaps my favorite concept from our episode was the goal of becoming “unbothered.” This is the state of being where your ex’s predictable antics simply roll off your shoulders. When they try to gaslight you, you don’t waste energy trying to convince them of reality. “You don’t need to convince somebody else of what you already know,” Denise shared. You just hold your own truth.
When you are unbothered, you realize that you cannot control the storm, but you can entirely control yourself. You allow the narcissist to be exactly who they are—because trying to change them is a fight you will never win.
A Practical Step for Today
If you are feeling completely overwhelmed by your co-parenting chaos today, Denise Kavaliauskas offered a simple, actionable place to start.
Close your eyes. Put your hand on your heart or your stomach. Take a deep breath in through your nose, and let it out through your mouth. Steer all of your focus to the simple act of breathing.
Peace is not a destination you arrive at once the legal papers are signed; peace is a feeling you can choose to tap into right now. Once you ground yourself in that calm, you can look at your situation and ask, “How can I navigate this next step from a place of peace?”
To hear more of Denise’s incredible story—including how the “Law of Polarity” brought her a magical, peaceful life after a nightmare marriage—be sure to tune in to the full podcast episode. You can also connect with Denise and learn more about her divorce doula services at WinningYourDivorce.com.
