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Are You Co-Parenting With a Narcissist? You’re Not Alone.
Sharing custody with a narcissist can feel like an emotional war zone—one where the rules keep changing and your child’s well-being hangs in the balance. If your ex is manipulative, gaslighting you, or constantly violating boundaries, you may be co-parenting with a narcissist.
In this episode of Co-Parenting Beyond Conflict, I sat down with retired social worker and author Heather Wolfe to talk about her bestselling book, Practical Co-Parenting With a Narcissist. Heather brings decades of experience in child services and the family court system, and her advice is as practical as it is empowering. She doesn’t just name the problem—she offers a way out.
Whether you’re navigating a high-conflict divorce, preparing a parenting plan, or surviving co-parenting with a narcissistic ex, this conversation is packed with strategies to help you protect your child, reduce conflict, and keep your sanity.
Why Co-Parenting With a Narcissist Is So Different
Most co-parenting advice assumes that both parents want what’s best for their children. But when your co-parent is a narcissist, that foundation doesn’t exist. Instead of collaboration, you get power plays. Instead of empathy, you face manipulation. And instead of peace, you’re constantly pulled into emotional chaos.
Heather Wolfe explains that many narcissistic parents don’t meet the full criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, yet still display dangerous narcissistic traits—from grandiose lies to covert guilt trips. These parents thrive on narcissistic supply, using their child as a pawn to control, punish, or perform for others.
If your co-parent is a narcissist, traditional approaches to co-parenting can actually backfire. The more you engage, the more fuel you give them. That’s why parallel parenting with a narcissist—not co-parenting—is often the safest, smartest path forward.
Heather Wolfe’s Framework for Practical Co-Parenting With a Narcissist
1. Radical Acceptance
Stop expecting change. Accept that your ex is who they are. As Heather says, “You don’t need your co-parent to change—you need a plan.”
2. Create a Comprehensive Parenting Plan
Every loophole is a weapon for a narcissistic co-parent. Your parenting plan should be detailed, specific, and court-enforceable. Include:
- Exact pickup/drop-off times and locations
- Holiday schedules
- Rules for communication
- Emergency procedures
A solid plan limits opportunities for manipulation and creates clear boundaries—crucial when parenting with a narcissist.
3. Document Everything
Narcissists rewrite history. Family court requires facts, not feelings. Use tools like BestInterest to timestamp messages, log missed visits, and safely store documentation. These records can protect your child and strengthen your case in court.
4. Shift to Parallel Parenting
When cooperation fails, parallel parenting allows you to disengage. You make decisions separately, reduce communication, and avoid shared activities like joint parent-teacher conferences.
It’s not co-parenting with a narcissist—it’s surviving co-parenting. And it works.
5. Build Your Support System
Choose your circle wisely. Heather warns that narcissists often charm mutual friends or family. Find professionals who understand narcissistic abuse, psychological abuse, and co-parenting issues—not just well-meaning relatives who say “Are you sure it’s that bad?”
6. Reclaim Your Identity
Narcissistic relationships erode self-worth. Recovery starts with self-care—no matter how small. Go for a walk. Revisit an old hobby. Join a class. As Heather says, “You can’t be the best parent you can be if you’re emotionally depleted.”
How to Protect Your Child From a Narcissistic Parent
Children of narcissists often internalize blame, develop people-pleasing tendencies, or struggle with boundaries. That’s why it’s essential for the healthy parent to:
- Model emotional regulation and strong boundaries
- Offer a safe space for open conversations
- Encourage extracurriculars and positive adult relationships
- Validate your child’s emotions without disparaging the other parent
You can’t control the narcissist—but you can raise emotionally healthy children by being the consistent, grounded, emotionally available parent they need.
Legal Strategy When Your Ex Is a Narcissist
Heather emphasizes that narcissists often weaponize the court system—dragging you back to court, filing false claims, or using financial abuse to wear you down.
To protect yourself:
- Hire a lawyer who understands high-conflict divorce
- Ask direct questions about parallel parenting, custody evaluations, and mediation with narcissists
- Set firm boundaries and don’t settle just to avoid conflict
- Use subpoenas when needed—never trust a narcissist to provide financial transparency
Don’t expect fairness from your ex. Advocate for your child’s best interests and fight smart, not emotional.
Where BestInterest Comes In
Apps like BestInterest are designed specifically for co-parenting with a narcissist. Our tools include:
- AI-moderated communication to remove gaslighting, threats, and blame
- Timestamps and geotagged exchanges for solid documentation
- Urgent message detection to alert you only when necessary
- Solo Mode for users who want support—even if their co-parent isn’t involved
When your co-parent is a narcissist, having a buffer between you and their messages is a game-changer.
Takeaways From Heather Wolfe’s Expertise
If your ex is a narcissist, you’re not imagining things. You’re not overreacting. And you’re not alone.
From detailed parenting plans to parallel parenting strategies, Heather Wolfe’s book Practical Co-Parenting With a Narcissist is a must-read for anyone navigating the aftermath of narcissistic behavior in a co-parenting relationship.
You can protect yourself and your children. You can reduce conflict, set strong boundaries, and make co-parenting work—even when the other parent refuses to.
Want to Learn More?
🎧 Listen to the full episode with Heather Wolfe on Co-Parenting Beyond Conflict.
📘 Get the book: Practical Co-Parenting With a Narcissist on Amazon
🛡️ Try the BestInterest app—your ally in high-conflict co-parenting. Use code BEYOND10 for 10% off.
You’ve Got This.
Even if your ex partner is a narcissist, even if you feel completely overwhelmed—there is a way forward. As Heather says, “You don’t need your co-parent to change. You need a plan.”
Let’s help you create that plan—and raise healthy children in the process.
Ready for less conflict? The BestInterest coparent app is endorsed by family law experts and trusted by coparents just like you.
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