Raising Emotionally Secure Kids After Divorce – A Conversation With Dr. Karalynn Royster

Have you ever had your child say, “I don’t want to go to mom’s/dad’s house,” or repeat something from your ex that left you thinking, Wait… what is really going on over there?

In a recent episode of Coparenting Beyond Conflict, I sat down with Dr. Karalynn Royster, a child psychologist and co-parenting expert who has built an entire kids first co-parenting approach around one core mission – helping parents raise emotionally secure kids after divorce, even when things feel confusing, unfair, or high-conflict.

Dr Royster is also a big supporter of the BestInterest app and recommends it to her coparenting clients. She is part of our Recommended Professionals Network.

Ready to listen? Tune to [05:17] to learn how Dr. Karalynn Royster defines gaslighting in a way that finally makes sense for co-parents and helps you understand what your child might be experiencing.

In this deep dive article into this episode, I’ll walk through:

• What gaslighting and alienation look like for kids after divorce
• How to validate your child’s feelings without bad-mouthing your co-parent
• Signs your child may be struggling in a high-conflict family system
• What you can control as a parent – even with a toxic ex or difficult co-parent
• How BestInterest and Dr. Royster’s kids first coparenting system work together to help kids thrive

Meet Dr. Karalynn Royster – Child Psychologist & Co-Parenting Expert

On the show, I introduced Karalynn Royster as a highly trained child psychologist and co-parenting coach who helps moms in particular navigate the emotional storm of divorce and high-conflict co-parenting.

She’s based near Greenwood Village in Colorado, where she runs Little House Psychology and offers:

• Therapy for kids in high conflict family systems
• A structured kids first co-parenting system and coparenting system for healing parents
• Online resources, parenting classes, free masterclasses, and a Kids First Co-Parenting Podcast on Apple Podcasts and other platforms

Her work is especially focused on moms raising emotionally secure kids in two homes – when co-parenting gets high-conflict, when you’re dealing with a toxic ex, or when you’re trying to co-parent with a difficult ex while still protecting your child’s emotional health.

What I love about her approach is that it’s very practical. She talks about a practical five-decision framework that transforms your day-to-day decisions with your kids – a five-decision framework that transforms chaos into something calmer and more intentional, even when your ex refuses to change.

Gaslighting, Alienation, And The Quiet Damage To Kids

One of the biggest themes in our conversation was the quiet damage of gaslighting – and how different it is from full-blown alienation.

Gaslighting: Undermining A Child’s Reality

Dr. Royster defined gaslighting as attempts to undermine a child’s reality:

• “You’re not really sad.”
• “That’s not what happened.”
• “You’re overreacting.”
• “You don’t really miss Mom/Dad.”

This can happen in everyday parenting (“There’s nothing to be sad about”) and in extreme damage of gaslighting in high-conflict separation.

Over time, this teaches kids:

• “I can’t trust what I feel.”
• “I can’t trust what I remember.”
• “If I speak up, I’ll be shut down.”

That’s the opposite of emotionally secure kids.

Alienation: When It Becomes A Sledgehammer

Alienation, as she described it, is more like a sledgehammer than a slow drip:

• Kids start to refuse contact with a parent
• The reasons they give are flimsy or adult-sounding (“He had an affair so he’s a bad person”)
• They speak in black-and-white, “good parent / bad parent” terms

With alienation, the goal is to undermine the relationship itself. With gaslighting, the goal is often to erase feelings, rewrite history, or dodge accountability – but both can be incredibly confusing for kids after divorce.

Help Kids By Starting With Validation, Not Perfection

One of the hardest truths for co-parents to hear is this:

Even a well-intentioned parent can accidentally gaslight their child.

The “It’s Just Milk” Example

We talked about a simple scenario: your child melts down because they wanted juice and you gave them milk. A common response from a well-intentioned parent is:

“There’s nothing to be sad about.”

But your child is sad. Their body is feeling sadness. When you say, “There’s nothing to be sad about,” you’re telling them their internal experience is wrong.

Instead, Dr. Royster suggests something like:

• “You’re really sad I gave you milk instead of juice.”
• “It’s annoying when you don’t get the drink you wanted.”

You’re not giving in to every demand. You’re doing what healing parents do: You help your child label the feeling and also hold the limit:

“All feelings are okay. All behaviors are not.”

That’s the heart of kids first co-parenting with Dr. Royster’s approach – you protect your child’s emotional health by telling the emotional truth, even when the situation is messy.

It’s important to realize that we all do this. It’s practically unavoidable having been raised by gaslighting parents ourselves. But by changing the way you hold your child’s experience, and mirroring their emotions to them, you’re:

1. Demonstrating to your child that their experience matters to you
2. Teaching your children how to navigate a world filled with people who will invalidate them
3. Helping them regulate their own emotions

When Gaslighting Comes From Your Co-Parent

Things get more complicated when the gaslighting seems to be happening at the other house. Common patterns Dr. Royster sees are:

• Dismissing feelings: “You’re not scared.” “You’re not sad.” “You’re fine, stop crying.”
• Rewriting history: “I never said I’d come to your event.” “I didn’t promise that.” “That’s not what happened in the divorce.”
• Over-polishing the narrative: “They’re always happy here; I don’t know what you’re talking about.” “We had the best weekend ever; there are no problems at my house.” “Are you sure you like it over there at mommys house?”

This can leave kids in high conflict family systems feeling like they’re losing their grip on reality – especially when the adults’ stories don’t match.

How To Respond When Your Child Repeats Confusing Claims

We walked through one of the most painful moments for any co-parent: Your child comes home and repeats something confusing or clearly distorted.

It’s hard. It’s painful. It might look like:

• “Mom says it’s your fault we had to move.”
• “Dad says you kept the house from us.”
• “Mom says you’re lying about the court stuff.”

Kids aren’t supposed to be holding this sort of content in their heads. But nevertheless, we take a deep breath, and then respond in the kids first co-parenting way:

Step 1: Start With “Thank You For Telling Me”

Dr. Royster’s first go-to line is:

“Wow, thank you for telling me that. That sounds really confusing.”

That does a few things at once:

• It validates their experience.
• It tells them you are safe to talk to.
• It keeps you out of a “good parent vs bad parent” war in their mind.
• You aren’t labelling it or diagnosing it

This is a powerful topics include co parenting communication moment. You’re showing them how to co parent well without dragging them into adult conflict.

Step 2: Validate The Confusion

Instead of jumping in to correct the story, you first name what they’re feeling:

• “That’s a really big question.”
• “That sounds confusing because it’s different from what you’ve heard from me.”
• “I’m really glad you came to me with this.”

You’re not saying, “Your other parent is wrong.”

You’re saying, “Your confusion makes sense – and I’m here. I’m listening”

Step 3: Help Them Check In With Themselves

This isn’t an easy, overnight fix. But your goal is to empower your kids to navigate a world where people will gaslight them. You’re giving them to the tools they need to know their own truth. Over time, you help kids thrive by teaching them to become experts in their own experience:

• “What did you notice?”
• “Is that how you remember it?”
• “What did your body feel like when that happened?”

This is where child development insights with concrete tools matter. You’re giving them development insights with concrete strategies to sort through stories, feelings, and reality – skills they’ll use their whole lives.

Step 4: Don’t Send Them Back As Your Messenger

Dr. Royster was very clear: Don’t ask your child to correct your co-parent for you.

Avoid saying things like:

• “You should tell Dad he’s wrong.”
• “Tell Mom not to say that again.”
• “Mommy shouldn’t talk to you that way.”

That puts them in the middle and can shut down communication with you, too. It may feel tempting when co-parenting gets high-conflict, but it backfires.

Signs Your Child Is Struggling In A High-Conflict System

We also talked about how to spot when your child might be having a harder time than they can express.

Behavioral Changes To Watch For

Some common signs:

• Tantrums lasting longer or happening more often
• Regressions (bedwetting, clinginess, sleep struggles)
• Changes in eating and sleep
• A big shift in mood, energy, or school performance

The key is change in intensity, frequency, or duration.

Post-divorce, it’s normal for kids to wobble for a while – but if you’re seeing ongoing distress and your gut says, “They’re not okay,” listen to that.

This is where healing parents often look at:

• Parenting classes
• Therapy
• A support system every overwhelmed mom (or dad) can lean on
• Tools like BestInterest to stabilize communication and reduce incoming conflict

Helping Kids Self-Regulate (Without Being Perfect)

I asked Dr. Royster how parents can help kids self-regulate even outside of a therapist’s office. Some of her favorite tools:

• Model your own regulation
  • Say out loud: “I’m feeling overwhelmed. I’m going to take a breath before I respond.”
  • Kids copy what we do more than what we say.
• Prioritize basics
  • Sleep, food, movement – these are core for secure kids and secure kids after divorce.
• Use books and stories
  • She loves using books about divorce, moving, new schools, and blended families to open gentle conversations.

These are simple but powerful ways to build emotionally secure kids in high stress environments – especially when they’re moving between two homes with very different emotional climates.

What You Can Control – And What You Can’t

One of the most powerful moments in the episode was when Dr. Royster reminded us:

“It takes one regulated, attuned, securely attached person to change a child’s life.”

You cannot control:

• Whether your toxic ex gets help
• Whether your co-parent stops gaslighting
• Whether the other house ever becomes calmer or more self-aware

You can control:

• How you show up in your home
• The way you attach, attune, and respond to your child
• The tools and support you bring into your world – therapy, coaching, apps, community

This is where new beginnings really start. You reclaim your own peace, rebuild your parenting identity, and slowly back control of your co-parenting journey – even if the other side never comes along.

How BestInterest Supports Dr. Royster’s Kids-First Approach

Throughout our conversation, I kept thinking about how closely her work aligns with why I built BestInterest in the first place.

When co-parenting gets high-conflict, your nervous system is already running hot. Constantly receiving hostile, manipulative, or confusing messages makes it way harder to be the grounded parent you want to be.

BestInterest is designed to support the kind of kids first co-parenting system Dr. Royster describes by:

• Filtering out inflammatory language before you see it, so you can respond calmly
• Helping you co-parent with a difficult ex without taking every message straight to the heart
• Giving you documentation if you ever need to show patterns to family courts or professionals
• Acting as part of the support system every overwhelmed mom – or dad – deserves

The more protected and regulated you are, the easier it is to protect your child, stay present, and co parent well.

How To Connect With Dr. Karalynn Royster And Learn More

If you want to go deeper into this work, insights from the Kids First framework and Dr. Royster’s kids first co-parenting podcast are a fantastic go-to resource for co parenting education.

You can:

• Visit her site at LearnWithLittleHouse.com to explore the Kids First Co-Parenting classes, free masterclasses and communication resources, and resource for co parenting classes
• Follow Kids First Co-Parenting with Dr. Karalynn Royster on the major podcasts platforms like Apple Podcasts
• Look into whether she’s accepting new patients through Little House Psychology if you’re near Colorado or Greenwood Village

She really is a founder of the Kids First approach in the way she practices – blending psychologist and co-parenting expertise into something deeply grounded and accessible for moms raising kids after divorce.

Final Thoughts: You Don’t Have To Do This Alone

If you’re reading this and feeling like you’re drowning – in messages, in conflict, in worry about your kids – please hear this part:

You don’t have to be a perfect parent.

You don’t have to fix your co-parent.

You don’t have to carry this alone.

You do have enormous power in how you show up:

• You can validate your child’s feelings, even when you can’t fix the situation.
• You can model regulation and safety in your home, even if the other home is chaotic.
• You can use tools – like BestInterest, like Dr. Royster’s coparenting system, like therapy and groups – to steady yourself so your kids feel steady with you.

If your goal is to raise emotionally secure kids and keep them emotionally secure kids after divorce, there is a path forward – even in a secure kids in high conflict setting.

And you don’t have to walk it by yourself.