Drop the Narcissist: Why Labels Keep You Stuck with Teresa Luse

We hear the word everywhere lately. It pops up in support groups, on social media threads, and in our own internal monologues when a co-parent sends yet another hostile message: Narcissist.

It is valid to feel that way. When you are dealing with a co-parent who is high-conflict, manipulative, or seemingly incapable of empathy, that label feels like the only thing that makes sense of the chaos.

But when I sat down with Teresa Luse (formerly Teresa Harlow), author of Combative to Collaborative: The Co-Parenting Code, she challenged me to think about that label differently. Teresa has a unique vantage point—she successfully navigated her own divorce when her son was six, but then spent a decade navigating a much higher-conflict dynamic as a step-parent.

In our conversation, Teresa explained why clinging to the “narcissist” label might actually be trapping you in victimhood, and offered practical strategies to reclaim your peace.

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The Trap of the “Narcissist” Label

One of the most powerful moments in our conversation came when Teresa explained the psychological downside of diagnosing your ex.

When we label an ex as a narcissist, we are often telling ourselves a story: They have a personality disorder. They cannot change. Therefore, this situation is hopeless.

“When they do that, they’re basically trapping themselves in victimhood,” Teresa told me. “If you label this person a narcissist… you’re saying you want to choose misery for the rest of your life.”

This isn’t to say your experience isn’t real. The abuse and hostility are real. But Teresa suggests a subtle shift in language. Instead of labeling the person, label the behavior. You can acknowledge, “Right now, they are displaying narcissistic behavior,” or “They are showing emotional immaturity.”

This slight shift reminds you that while you cannot fix them, the dynamic isn’t necessarily doomed to be this toxic forever. It leaves a crack in the door for change—even if that change only comes from how you handle them.

You Can’t Fix Them (But You Can Change the Interaction)

We often fall into the trap of thinking, “If they would just stop yelling, I could be calm.” Teresa argues that we have to flip that script. We can’t fix the ex. If we could have fixed them, we probably would have stayed married to them.

Instead, Teresa advocates for a method that feels counterintuitive: treating them with the respect you wish they showed you.

This isn’t about being a doormat. It’s about maintaining your own dignity. When a co-parent comes at you with a “fire hose of hostility,” your instinct is to defend yourself. But defending yourself usually just fuels the fire.

Teresa suggests a simple, three-word phrase to diffuse conflict: “I hear you.”

• It validates: It acknowledges they are speaking without agreeing with their facts.
• It disarms: It’s very hard to keep screaming at someone who has just said, “I hear you.”
• It pivots: It allows you to move the conversation to what actually matters—the kids.

Leave the Baggage in the “Wake of the Boat”

I loved the visual metaphor Teresa shared regarding how to separate your past marriage from your current co-parenting reality. She describes herself as a boater, and she uses the image of the wake of the boat.

The wake is the water behind you. It is turbulent, it is churned up, and it is already gone. You cannot change the wake.

“I encourage parents to think of this: The relationship that existed between us when we were an intimate couple is done,” Teresa said. “Now we’re on a new chapter, and this chapter is called the Parenting Team.”

To move from combative to collaborative, you have to stop trying to litigate the past relationship. That pain is real, and it deserves to be processed—in therapy, with friends, or in a journal. But bringing that baggage into the “Parenting Team” meeting ensures the conflict never ends.

Empathy as a Strategic Tool

One of the hardest things Teresa suggests is using empathy with a toxic ex. When someone sends a nasty text, the last thing you want to do is empathize with them.

But Teresa points out that we often assume malicious intent when it might just be incompetence or stress.

• Maybe they are lashing out because they had a terrible day at work.
• Maybe they missed a line in your email not because they are ignoring you, but because they are bad at reading details.
• Maybe they are angry because they feel they are losing control.

By pausing and asking yourself, “What else could be going on here?” you drop the rope. You stop taking their behavior personally.

“Just because they label you somehow doesn’t mean it’s true,” Teresa reminded me. “That’s their own perspective… You don’t have to adopt it.”

There is Always Hope for a Shift Says Teresa Luse

If you are reading this and thinking, Sol, you don’t know my ex. This will never work, I want to leave you with Teresa’s personal timeline.

She mentioned that with her first husband, they got to a good place quickly. But with her current husband’s ex-wife? It took 10 years.

For a decade, it was hard. But eventually, a window opened. A small opportunity for peace presented itself, and because they were ready for it, they stepped through. Now, they can all be in the same room together without tension.

“If you feel hopeless right now because your co-parenting relationship sucks… you’re in a moment in time,” Teresa said. “It doesn’t necessarily mean it will always be that way.”

Whether you are in the thick of a custody battle or years into a stalemate, remember: You control your side of the street. You control your reactions. And by changing your input, you inevitably change the output of the relationship.

Want to hear the full conversation? Check out the latest episode of Co-parenting Beyond Conflict to hear more of Teresa’s story and her specific scripts for de-escalating high-conflict moments.

To learn more about Teresa, you can find her book “Combative to Collaborative: The Co-Parenting Code” or visit her at TeresaHarlow.com
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