From Legal Nightmare to Coparenting Peace with Paulette Rigo

Divorce doesn’t end when the paperwork is finalized—especially when kids are involved. Co-parenting after a legal judgment presents new challenges that can be just as stressful as the divorce itself. That’s why I was excited to sit down with Paulette Rigo, the founder of Better Divorce Academy, a credentialed family mediator, and the author of Better Divorce Blueprint.

Paulette’s journey through an eight-and-a-half-year litigated divorce—complete with a 12-day trial and a four-year appeal—gives her a unique perspective on moving forward after divorce. In our conversation, she shared insights on navigating post-judgment co-parenting, handling counter-parenting, and ensuring our kids don’t become collateral damage.

From Personal Struggle to Divorce Expert

I always love hearing how experts end up in their line of work, and Paulette’s story is nothing short of extraordinary co-parenting after divorce. She met her ex-husband at 17, married at 22, and spent 20 years in what she describes as an all-consuming marriage—not just to her spouse but to his entire family. After having three kids, she realized the marriage was no longer right for her, but leaving wasn’t simple.

Her divorce battle lasted nearly a decade, exposing her to every frustrating aspect of the legal system. Eventually, after surviving a long and painful legal process, she realized something powerful: she wasn’t alone. Women started reaching out to her, asking for help. At first, she thought, I can barely help myself—how can I help others? But the more she was asked, the more she saw the huge gap in support for people navigating high-conflict divorces.

Encouraged by her own attorney, Paulette decided to dedicate her life to helping others avoid the painful mistakes she made. She became a certified mediator, high-conflict divorce coach, and advocate for alternative dispute resolution (ADR)—a way to keep divorces out of costly, drawn-out litigation.

Common Challenges of Post-Judgment Co-Parenting

I asked Paulette about the biggest struggles parents face after a legal judgment is finalized. Here’s what she had to say:

1. Living up to a rigid parenting plan – For parents of young children, strict parenting plans can feel brutal. Babies and toddlers are shuffled between homes in car seats, which can disrupt routine, sleep, and emotional security.
2. Adapting to a new decision-making structure—Many parents struggle with the emotional shift from making joint decisions to having separate legal rights regarding medical, education, and extracurricular activities.
3. Middle schoolers and high schoolers pushing back—Older kids often resist parenting plans altogether. They miss their old lives and may feel inconvenienced by constantly switching homes.
4. Parents using kids as messengers—One of the worst habits Paulette sees is parents making their kids the “carrier pigeons” for communication. If you’ve ever been tempted to say, “Tell your mom to pack your soccer uniform,” you’re putting your child in the middle of adult conflict, which can harm their best interests.

Her advice? Empathize with how difficult this is for your kids and commit to using direct communication—not your child—as the messenger.

Co-Parenting Red Flags: When to Seek Professional Support

Even in the best situations, co-parenting after divorce is challenging. But how do you know when things have gone from “difficult” to destructive? Paulette shared some clear red flags that indicate it may be time to bring in professional help, whether that’s a mediator, therapist, or legal advocate.

1. Chronic High-Conflict Communication
   If every conversation turns into an argument, regardless of the topic, you may be stuck in a high-conflict co-parenting dynamic. Signs include name-calling, constant blame, sarcasm, or escalating hostility in emails or texts. If one or both parents struggle with BIFF-style (Brief, Informational, Friendly, Firm) communication, professional mediation may be needed.
2. Counter-Parenting & Intentional Sabotage
   If one parent actively works against the other—changing schedules last-minute, contradicting house rules, or refusing to communicate—it can create toxic instability for the child. In extreme cases, this can lead to parental alienation, where a child is manipulated into rejecting one parent.
3. Inconsistencies That Harm the Child’s Well-Being
   Are the kids confused about bedtimes, school routines, or expectations between homes? If a co-parent refuses to uphold necessary structure (or deliberately undermines it), children suffer emotionally and behaviorally. A therapist or parenting coordinator can help establish consistency.
4. Using the Legal System as a Weapon
   If one parent repeatedly files unnecessary legal motions, refuses to follow agreements, or drags the other into court over minor disputes, it’s a sign of legal abuse. Mediation can sometimes resolve this, but if abuse is involved, legal protection may be necessary.
5. Your Child Shows Signs of Emotional Distress
   If your child is withdrawing, acting out, showing signs of anxiety, or feeling torn between parents, they may be suffering from the conflict. A child therapist can help them express and process their emotions safely.

If any of these red flags resonate with you, it may be time to seek outside help. Mediation, therapy, and even apps like BestInterest can play a role in reducing conflict and creating a healthier co-parenting dynamic.

Parenting Plans: The Biggest Mistakes

For co-parents at the beginning of their journey, I asked Paulette about common mistakes she sees in parenting plans.

• Lack of flexibility – If your parenting plan was court-ordered and you had no say, it can feel set in stone. However, modifications are possible—but they require legitimate reasons, not just inconvenience.
• Refusing to revisit the plan – Paulette recommends that parents re-evaluate their schedule at least every six months to a year—especially if school schedules, work commitments, or kids’ needs change.
• Bad communication can hinder successful co-parenting. – Some parents can work together to swap days smoothly, while others use any small change as a battleground. If you fall into the latter category, it may be time to seek tips for divorced parents. bring in a neutral third party to help mediate disagreements.

Counter-Parenting: When Co-Parenting Turns Toxic

One of the most challenging co-parenting dynamics is counter-parenting—when one parent actively works against the other out of spite. Unlike parallel parenting, where parents have different rules but respect each other’s roles, counter-parents make decisions specifically to cause problems.

Paulette explained that counter-parenting cases are rarely resolved outside of court in her mediation practice. That’s because counter-parents aren’t interested in compromise—they want control and retaliation.

Her advice? Shift your focus from your ex to your child:

“Do you hate your ex more than you love your child? Or do you love your child more than you hate your ex?”

If you’re dealing with a counter-parent, Paulette recommends adopting parallel parenting strategies to limit unnecessary conflict and minimize communication to only what is necessary.

The Best Tool for Difficult Communication

One of my favorite parts of our conversation was when Paulette shared Bill Eddy’s BIFF method—a simple framework for responding to hostile messages from your co-parent:

• Brief – Keep your response short.

• Informational – Stick to facts, not emotions, are essential for resolving conflicts..

• Friendly – Keep a neutral, professional tone.

• Firm – Close the conversation without leaving room for unnecessary back-and-forth.

This approach aligns perfectly with what I built into the BestInterest app for successful co-parenting — helping co-parents craft short, neutral responses that reduce conflict and support, making co-parenting easier. If you don’t already use the BestInterest app, or aren’t ready to adopt that, looking into BIFF can be a game-changer if you struggle with angry or manipulative messages.

Moving Forward: Tips for Divorced Parents

As we wrapped up, Paulette emphasized the importance of learning from your divorce to avoid repeating the same patterns in future relationships. She walked us through the tips for divorced parents moving through the grieving process—from denial to acceptance—and the final step:

“What is the lesson?”

A huge part of healing is taking ownership of your part in the relationship’s breakdown—no matter how small. Paulette encourages co-parents to do some deep self-reflection, journal about mistakes, and ask:

• What part did I play?
• Am I living in alignment with my core values?
• Am I prioritizing my health and well-being?

She reminded us that 85% of divorced people remarry within five years—which means many will become step-parents, adding new layers of complexity to co-parenting. The more self-awareness you develop now, the better your future relationships will be.

Navigating Co-Parenting After Divorce

Co-parenting isn’t easy, especially when you’re dealing with high-conflict dynamics, legal complexities, or lingering resentment from divorce. This is why I created Coparenting Beyond Conflict, a podcast dedicated to helping parents communicate better, set boundaries, and build a healthier future for their kids—even when their co-parent makes things difficult. Each episode features experts, therapists, mediators, and real co-parents who have found ways to create more peace despite challenging circumstances.

Whether you’re navigating narcissistic co-parenting, counter-parenting, or just trying to get through another tense exchange without losing your mind, this podcast is here to equip you with the tools you need. I’ve been in the trenches myself, and I know firsthand how isolating and frustrating co-parenting can feel. My goal is to make sure you never feel alone in this process and to introduce practical solutions that actually work. 

Where to Listen to the Episode

You can catch the episode with Paulette on YouTube, listen online or find us on your favorite podcast app by searching “Coparenting Beyond Conflict”.

Where to Find Paulette

If you want to connect with Paulette Rigo, check out her website: Better Divorce Academy. Her book, Better Divorce Blueprint, offers step-by-step guidance to resolve conflicts and navigate divorce with clarity and confidence.

And if you’re looking for an AI-powered tool designed to help divorced parents, helping you filter out negativity and build a healthier co-parenting dynamic, try the BestInterest app:

Ready for less conflict? The BestInterest coparent app is endorsed by family law experts and trusted by coparents just like you.

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