Counter Parenting vs Coparenting: What It Is and How to Cope

Co-parenting ideally involves collaboration, where both parents work together to prioritize the well-being of their child. However, in high-conflict parenting situations, counter parenting can arise—a dynamic where one parent actively works to undermine the other’s efforts, often driven by personal grievances or control issues. Understanding this harmful parenting style and how to address it is essential for protecting the mental health of both parents and children.

What is Counter Parenting?

Counter parenting is the opposite of co-parenting—it’s an antagonistic dynamic where one parent opposes or sabotages the other’s parenting choices. Unlike healthy parenting approaches, counter-parenting prioritizes conflict and control over the child’s well-being. It often emerges in high-conflict separations, particularly when unresolved emotions, such as anger or resentment, are present. For instance, a narcissistic parent may engage in counter parenting as a way to maintain control, manipulate outcomes, or punish their ex.

This behavior can include dismissing agreed-upon routines, sabotaging parenting plans, or even guilt-tripping the child to foster division. Unfortunately, this dynamic places an immense toll on the child, creating confusion, anxiety, and long-lasting effects on their sense of self. Counter parenting is a destructive co-parenting dynamic in which one parent actively opposes or sabotages the other parent’s decisions, creating unnecessary conflict and instability for the child. It is the antithesis of collaborative or parallel parenting, as it prioritizes control, retaliation, or personal grievances over the well-being of the child. This adversarial approach often stems from unresolved emotional issues following a breakup or divorce and manifests in behaviors that aim to undermine the other parent’s authority or credibility.

At its core, counter parenting is not about what’s best for the child. Instead, it revolves around a desire to assert dominance, “win” conflicts, or punish the other parent. This might involve dismissing agreed-upon parenting plans, contradicting disciplinary decisions, or creating chaos in day-to-day co-parenting responsibilities. For example, one parent might deliberately disregard dietary restrictions, school schedules, or bedtimes set by the other parent, all to demonstrate control or prove a point.

Counter parenting often involves a pattern of behaviors designed to create division or confusion. This can include invalidating the other parent’s rules, making unilateral decisions without consultation, or spreading misinformation to others involved in the child’s life, such as teachers or coaches. This behavior not only undermines the co-parenting relationship but also disrupts the child’s sense of stability and consistency, which are crucial for their emotional and psychological well-being.

In high-conflict co-parenting situations, counter parenting can escalate into more severe forms of manipulation. For instance, one parent might use the child as a messenger to relay contentious information, expose them to adult conflicts, or even turn the child against the other parent through negative comments or subtle manipulation—a phenomenon known as parental alienation. These tactics create an environment of tension and insecurity, leaving the child caught in the crossfire of adult grievances.

Ultimately, counter parenting shifts the focus away from the child’s needs, creating a toxic dynamic that can have long-term consequences for their development and emotional health.

What Does Counter Parenting Look Like?

Counter parenting behaviors are often rooted in unresolved anger, control issues, or a desire to “win” at all costs, but they ultimately harm the child’s sense of security and well-being. Below are some common examples of what counter parenting looks like in action:

Undermining Rules and Boundaries: A counter parent often disregards or contradicts established parenting decisions, such as bedtime routines, dietary guidelines, or limits on screen time. They might allow things that are unacceptable in your home, like extended screen time or skipping schoolwork, to disrupt the child’s routine. This inconsistency undermines the child’s stability and respect for parental authority. For example, if one parent sets a rule for no sweets before bedtime, the counter parent might deliberately give the child sugary treats during their time together. This inconsistency creates confusion for the child, undermines the authority of the other parent, and can lead to behavioral issues as the child learns to exploit these discrepancies.
Badmouthing the Other Parent: Counter parents frequently make negative comments about the other parent in front of the child, such as calling them irresponsible, unloving, or incapable. These remarks are often designed to erode the child’s trust and respect for the other parent, creating emotional distress and confusion. For example, a counter parent might say, “Your mom/dad doesn’t care about you as much as I do,” planting seeds of doubt and insecurity in the child’s mind.
Sabotaging Activities or Plans: Sabotage is a hallmark of counter parenting. This can include planning events or vacations during the other parent’s scheduled time, refusing to provide details about school events, making last minute changes to or even failing to inform the other parent about changes in the child’s schedule. For instance, a counter parent might schedule a birthday party during the other parent’s custody weekend without consulting them, forcing the child to choose between attending the party or spending time with their other parent.
Using the Child as a Messenger: Counter parents often involve children in adult conflicts by using them as messengers or mediators. They might ask the child to pass along contentious messages, such as, “Tell your dad he needs to pay for your school trip,” or, “Ask your mom why she didn’t show up to your game.” This behavior not only exposes the child to unnecessary stress but also places them in an inappropriate and emotionally harmful role.
Refusing to Cooperate: A counter parent may deliberately ignore communication, fail to share critical information, or refuse to uphold agreements about custody schedules, financial responsibilities, or parenting decisions. For instance, they might refuse to discuss changes to the child’s medical care or ignore requests to coordinate holiday plans. This lack of cooperation forces the other parent to shoulder the burden of decision-making alone, creating additional stress and resentment.
Weaponizing the Child’s Preferences: In some cases, counter parents may manipulate the child’s preferences to create division. For example, they might encourage the child to favor one parent by indulging them with gifts or lax rules while portraying the other parent as overly strict or uncaring. This behavior not only undermines the child’s respect for the other parent but can also damage their emotional development by fostering unhealthy dynamics of favoritism and manipulation.
Disrupting the Parenting Plan: Counter parents may intentionally disregard the agreed-upon parenting plan by withholding the child during scheduled exchanges, showing up late, or making last-minute changes without notice. These actions not only disrupt the child’s routine but also make it difficult for the other parent to maintain consistency and stability.
Exploiting the Child’s Emotional Vulnerabilities: A counter parent might exploit the child’s emotions to gain control or sympathy. For instance, they might tell the child, “I’m so sad when you’re not here,” making the child feel guilty for spending time with the other parent. This emotional manipulation places an unfair burden on the child, forcing them to manage the counter parent’s feelings.

Impact: How Do You Know If Your Co-Parent is a Counter Parent?

Recognizing counter parenting can be challenging, especially in high-conflict situations where emotions often cloud judgment. However, specific behaviors and patterns can help you identify if your co-parent is engaging in counter parenting. These actions are typically designed to undermine your authority, create chaos, or assert dominance, all at the expense of your child’s well-being. Here are some key examples:

Inconsistency with Agreements: Your co-parent might repeatedly ignore or contradict agreed-upon parenting plans, routines, or schedules. For instance, they might disregard a court-ordered visitation schedule, drop the child off late without notice, or refuse to follow dietary or bedtime guidelines. This inconsistency not only disrupts the child’s routine but also sends a message that the agreements you’ve made together don’t matter.
Creating Constant Conflict: Counter parents thrive on conflict. They may turn even the smallest decision—like what the child wears to school or what they eat for lunch—into an argument. These constant battles can leave you feeling exhausted and frustrated, taking the focus away from parenting and placing it on unnecessary disputes.
Manipulative Behaviors: Manipulation is a hallmark of counter parenting. This can include using guilt to influence the child, making veiled threats to gain control, or exploiting the child’s emotional attachment to you as leverage. For example, they might tell the child, “If your mom/dad really cared about you, they’d let you stay here longer,” creating emotional tension for the child.
Withholding Communication or Information: A counter parent may avoid discussing important matters related to the child’s education, health, or emotional well-being. They might fail to inform you about a parent-teacher conference, withhold medical updates, or neglect to mention changes to their schedule. This lack of transparency can make it difficult to make informed decisions as a co-parent.
Parental Alienation Tactics: One of the most harmful behaviors of a counter parent is attempting to turn the child against you. They may badmouth you in front of the child, make false accusations, or share inappropriate details about your relationship or the divorce. This not only damages your relationship with the child but also places the child in an emotionally conflicting position.
Sabotaging Parenting Efforts: Counter parents often take actions to deliberately sabotage your parenting. For example, they might undermine your disciplinary decisions by giving the child privileges you’ve restricted, or they may allow excessive screen time after you’ve set limits. This creates confusion for the child and erodes your authority as a parent.
Using the Child as a Messenger or Spy: A counter parent may involve the child in adult matters, asking them to relay messages, report on your actions, or choose sides. This behavior not only puts the child in a stressful position but also breaches their emotional boundaries, as they are forced to mediate or take on adult responsibilities.
Excessive Legal Actions or Threats: Some counter parents engage in constant legal battles as a way to control or intimidate you. This might involve filing frivolous motions, threatening to take you to court over minor disagreements, or repeatedly challenging custody agreements. They may hire bulldog attorneys that mirror their behaviors. These actions can drain financial resources and create ongoing stress.
Refusing to Co-Parent: A counter parent might refuse to collaborate on even the most basic parenting decisions, such as medical care, education, or extracurricular activities. Instead of working together, they might make unilateral decisions or stonewall discussions, forcing you to handle everything alone or resort to mediation.
Exploiting the Child’s Emotional Vulnerabilities: Counter parents may exploit the child’s emotions to gain control. For example, they might encourage the child to feel guilty for enjoying time with you or reward them for rejecting your rules or authority. This emotional manipulation can cause long-term harm to the child’s self-esteem and emotional health.

Recognizing these behaviors is the first step toward addressing the challenges of counter parenting. By understanding these tactics, you can take proactive steps to protect yourself and your child from the negative impacts of this toxic dynamic.

Insight: Why Does Counter Parenting Happen (it’s not just Narcissists)?

Counter parenting often stems from unresolved emotions or personality traits that prevent effective co-parenting. Common reasons include:

Emotional Residue from the Divorce: Anger, resentment, or feelings of betrayal can manifest as counter parenting, as one parent may struggle to separate personal emotions from parenting responsibilities.
Control Issues: A desire to maintain control over the situation, even at the expense of the child’s well-being, can drive counter parenting behaviors.
Personality Disorders: Traits associated with narcissism or borderline personality disorder can exacerbate counter parenting tendencies, as these individuals may struggle with empathy and cooperation. In such cases, counter parenting behaviors may extend into years, if not the entirety of your children’s lives.
Insecurity: Fear of losing the child’s affection or being perceived as the “lesser” parent can lead to attempts to undermine the other parent.

How BestInterest Can Help in Dealing with Counter Parenting Situations

When dealing with a high-conflict ex, tools like the BestInterest app are indispensable for navigating counter parenting. The app is designed to manage communication, reinforce healthy boundaries, and mitigate the negative impacts of toxic dynamics. When counter parenting creates a toxic environment, structured tools like the BestInterest coparenting app can help manage communication, reduce conflict, and protect your mental health. Here’s how BestInterest supports parents dealing with counter parenting:

Structured and Filtered Communication: BestInterest uses AI to filter out harmful or manipulative language in messages, ensuring that conversations remain focused on the child’s needs. This prevents emotionally charged exchanges and reduces the impact of counter parenting tactics.
Message Records for Accountability: The app creates unalterable records of all communications, making it easier to document patterns of counter parenting behavior. You can even document offline interactions like exchanges with the Coparent Journal. These records can be valuable in custody disputes or when working with mediators or therapists.
Coparent Coach for Real-Time Guidance: BestInterest provides in-app coaching to help you craft responses to difficult messages, avoid reactive communication, and stay child-focused, even in high-conflict situations.
Customizable Notifications: Set boundaries around communication by limiting when and how often you receive messages from your co-parent. This helps you maintain your emotional well-being.
Secure Journal Feature: Use the journal feature to document incidents of counter parenting, such as missed visits, inconsistent rules, or inappropriate comments made to the child. This creates a clear record that can be used to address issues constructively.
Learning Library: Access resources, articles, and videos designed to help you navigate high-conflict dynamics and implement effective parenting strategies.

Final Thoughts

Counter parenting can be incredibly stressful, but with the right tools and strategies, it’s possible to protect your child from its harmful effects. Remember that your primary goal is to create a stable and loving environment for your child, regardless of your co-parent’s behavior. By using structured tools like BestInterest, following a parenting plan based on Parallel Parenting and seeking professional support when needed, you can navigate parenting challenges with confidence and ensure your child’s well-being remains the top priority.