Navigating High-Conflict Divorce: A Conversation with Family Law Attorney

Feeling unheard or trapped in the family court system is an experience many co-parents know all too well. When you’re dealing with a high-conflict ex, the legal process can feel like a battlefield where the rules are unclear and the emotional stakes are impossibly high. How do you protect your children and your sanity when you’re constantly being pulled back into court?

When I sat down with Kirk C. Stange for an episode of Coparenting Beyond Conflict, we dove into exactly these challenges. As the founding partner of Stange Law Firm, a multi-state domestic relations law firm, Kirk has over two decades of experience in family law. He’s not only a seasoned attorney but also a respected voice in the field, frequently presenting for organizations like the National Business Institute and the Missouri Bar Family Law Conference. The choice of a lawyer is an important decision, and Kirk’s insights are invaluable.

We discussed everything from crafting smarter parenting plans to surviving repeated litigation with a difficult co-parent. For anyone feeling overwhelmed by their divorce or family law matter, this conversation is a must-listen.

Creating a Parenting Plan with the Future in Mind

One of the first things Kirk Stange and I talked about was a common mistake he sees in his law practice: parents creating a parenting plan that only works for their current situation.

“It’s important to not just look at the present, but you’re trying to look at the long term too,” Kirk explained. “A lot of clients just get caught up in today… and then they have to come back to court and deal with issues because a parenting plan is either vague or silent on certain things.”

The reality is that modifying a parenting plan is incredibly difficult. It’s not just a simple update; it often requires showing a “substantial and continuing” change in circumstances. This means going through the stress and expense of court all over again.

Kirk’s advice is simple but crucial: take your time. Even if you’re exhausted and just want the process to be over, pause and think about the future.

Will these pickup times work when the kids are in middle school?
How will holidays be handled if one of you moves?
What happens if a child wants to participate in an expensive extracurricular activity?

Thinking through these long-term scenarios now can save you immense aggravation and money down the road.

Strategies for Family Law: Why Specificity is Your Shield

So, should a parenting plan be flexible or highly detailed? According to Kirk, it depends on your relationship with your co-parent.

If you are amicable and can cooperate, a more general plan might work. But for those of us in high-conflict dynamics, specificity is a non-negotiable safeguard.

“It’s really important to have that fine print spelled out,” Kirk emphasized. “Little things like where the exchanges are going to take place could be a huge issue. What time are they going to take place? What specific time?”

He strongly recommended including clauses that mandate communication through a co-parenting app. This creates a single, documented channel for all communication. It eliminates the chaos of texts, emails, and phone calls and creates an official record that can’t be altered. When one party is constantly trying to create conflict, this kind of boundary is essential for your peace of mind and your family law litigation.

The “Bulldog” Attorney vs. The Tactician

Many parents in contentious custody battles think they need to hire the most aggressive “bulldog” attorney they can find. Kirk warned that this approach can backfire spectacularly.

He explained that judges who see two hyper-aggressive lawyers can fall into a “birds of a feather fly together” mentality. They might conclude that both parents are the problem, lumping the reasonable parent in with the high-conflict one.

What you really need is a tactician. “You need a lawyer who’s competent, who’s diligent… who communicates effectively,” Kirk said. “And obviously, being assertive and being a tactician is important.”

A smart attorney knows how to present your case firmly and professionally without getting into the mud. They maintain credibility with the judge, which is far more valuable than loud, aggressive tactics that ultimately go nowhere. The goal is to have a lawyer the judge will actually listen to.

Surviving Repeated Litigation and Taking the High Road

For a parent dealing with a narcissistic or litigious ex, being constantly dragged back to court is exhausting and demoralizing. Kirk acknowledged how courts often prefer to see cooperation, which can be frustrating when one person makes it impossible.

His advice for surviving this cycle is to meticulously take the high road.

Don’t fight fire with fire. When you receive a nasty email, resist the urge to send one back. Kirk suggests waiting 24-72 hours before responding. Write a draft, have your attorney review it, and ensure your communication is always calm and child-focused.
Preserve everything. Hostile communications from your ex can be powerful evidence. This is where co-parenting apps are vital, as they create a clean, uneditable record. This can include anything from in-app messages to social media evidence in divorce litigation. Showing a judge a pattern of harassment or unwillingness to co-parent can have a huge impact on your family law case.
Have faith in the process. It takes patience, but over time, judges and guardians ad litem often see the pattern. By refusing to engage in the drama, you make it clear who the source of the conflict is.

A Final Word on Hope and Self-Care from Kirk C. Stange

Going through a high-conflict divorce and family law matter is one of the most draining experiences a person can endure. Kirk ended our conversation with a powerful reminder about the importance of self-care and perspective. He shared a quote from a Steve Jobs speech: “You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only do it looking back.”

Right now, in the thick of it, things may not make sense. You might feel defeated. But having faith that the dots will eventually connect—that something good will come from this struggle—is essential. Focus on what you can control:

Get support: Find a good therapist or counselor.
Stay healthy: Avoid self-medicating with alcohol or drugs. Focus on exercise, meditation, or whatever brings you peace.
Live your life now: Don’t put your life on hold waiting for the case to end. Find joy in small things today.

This journey is a marathon, not a sprint. By arming yourself with the right legal strategies and a strong self-care practice, you can rebuild your life and create a peaceful future for you and your children.

About Kirk C. Stange: Kirk C. Stange is a founding partner of Stange Law Firm, PC. He is licensed to practice in Missouri, Illinois, Kansas, and the Eastern District of Missouri. A graduate of the University of Missouri-Columbia School of Law, Kirk has extensive experience in family law. He has been named to the Super Lawyers list and is recognized as a Top 10 Family Law Attorney. Kirk authored a chapter in a book through Thomson Reuters (Aspatore Publishing) titled, “Strategies for Family Law in Illinois.” He frequently presents on topics like “Advanced Family Law” and “Electronic Evidence in Family Law” for organizations such as the National Academy of Family Law Attorneys and the American Institute of Family Law Attorneys.