From Courtroom Kid to Peacemaker: Joe Dillon on Protecting Your Children in Divorce

When you’re in the thick of a high-conflict separation, it can feel like you’re standing in the middle of a war zone. The incoming fire is constant, and your only focus is survival. But what we often forget is that our children are standing in that war zone with us, and the shrapnel from our battles leaves scars that can last a lifetime.

No one understands this better than my recent guest on the Coparenting Beyond Conflict podcast, Joe Dillon. As a child of a litigated divorce, his only experience of seeing his father was in the sterile, adversarial environment of a courtroom. It’s a story that will stop you in your tracks.

When I sat down with Joe, now a divorce mediator with decades of experience, we didn’t just talk about legal strategies or financial settlements. We talked about the human cost of conflict—the fear, the desire for control, and the quiet ways our kids carry the weight of our unresolved anger.

His journey from a boy in the back of a courtroom to a professional peacemaker offers one of the most powerful roadmaps I’ve ever encountered for navigating divorce with dignity and protecting what matters most: your children’s well-being. This conversation was a profound reminder that even in the most fractured situations, there is a path toward peace.

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The Unseen Scars: How Kids Become Collateral Damage

One of the most heart-wrenching moments in my conversation with Joe Dillon was when he described his father returning his high school graduation portrait in a paper bag, dropped on the front stoop. “What did I do?” he recalled thinking. The answer, of course, was nothing. He was simply the child caught in the crossfire of his parents’ rage. His father was so angry at his mother that, by extension, he took it out on his son. After the age of 16, Joe never saw his father again outside of a courtroom, a 39-year gap of silence broken only by a letter from his father’s estate announcing his death.

This story is an extreme but vital illustration of a truth many parents in conflict miss: your kids know exactly what’s going on. “It doesn’t matter how old your kids are,” Joe explained. “A five-year-old isn’t going to be able to say, ‘I see you’re both in conflict.’ That’s not going to come out of their mouth, but they’re going to cry or wet the bed or suck their thumb or do something else to react to the stress of the situation.”

Kids are sponges, absorbing the tension, the unspoken animosity, and the leading questions. Joe warned against the subtle ways parents pull children into the conflict, often unwittingly:

• Asking leading questions: “You have a lot more fun at mom’s house, don’t you?”
• Creating loyalty binds: “You don’t really want to spend time with your dad, do you?”
• Failing to present a united front: Arguing at drop-offs or refusing to be in the same space for a child’s event.

The core message is clear: to your children, you are not plaintiff and defendant. You are Mom and Dad. They need to see a united front to feel safe, secure, and loved. This means biting your tongue, keeping adult issues away from little ears, and saving your frustrations for a private moment, a therapist’s office, or your Coparenting Journal where you can document events without exposing your child to the conflict.

Fear, Money, and Control: Why We Choose War Over Peace

If litigation is so damaging, why do so many parents choose it? According to Joe, the answer often boils down to one powerful emotion: fear. “It is all about fear,” he told me. The legal system, much like a home security company’s ad, often plays on our deepest anxieties. Lawyers can promise to “fight for every penny” and warn that without them, “you’re going to get screwed.” This fear-mongering taps into our primal need for protection, especially when we feel vulnerable and uncertain about the future.

This is where the fight over money becomes symbolic. Joe explained that in many relationships, money equals power and control. The spouse who was the primary earner may feel, “This is mine. I earned it.” The spouse who stayed home to raise the children may feel powerless and terrified of being left destitute. Litigation feeds this dynamic, framing the process as a zero-sum game where one person wins and the other loses.

Mediation, in contrast, fundamentally reframes the conversation. Joe’s approach is to “do the discovery before the deciding.” He takes the emotion out of the equation by laying everything out on the table. “Here’s the reality,” he says. “Here’s everything you’ve got. You’re all going to need a place to live… You’re going to need to retire eventually. How do we split this up so that you can both be okay?”

This approach isn’t about winning; it’s about finding a fair and sustainable solution. It shifts the mindset from adversaries fighting over scraps to partners dismantling a shared life. As Joe powerfully stated, a marriage is a partnership where each person plays a vital role—one may earn resources outside the home while the other manages resources inside the home. Both roles are equally important and valuable. By acknowledging this, mediation restores a sense of dignity and empowerment that litigation often strips away.

3 Powerful Strategies Joe Dillon Recommends for High-Conflict Communication

Many of our listeners are dealing with more than just a standard divorce; they’re navigating relationships with co-parents who may exhibit narcissistic or high-conflict behaviors. The constant barrage of accusations, demands, and manipulations is exhausting. It’s easy to believe that productive communication is impossible. However, Joe Dillon shared several advanced techniques that can de-escalate conflict and help you get what your family needs, even with the most difficult personalities. He calls it “detached engagement.” Here are three steps you can take:

1. Acknowledge and Validate (Even When You Disagree)
   This is the cornerstone of the technique. A high-conflict person wants to feel heard, seen, and right. Arguing with their version of reality is like throwing gasoline on a fire. Instead, Joe suggests using phrases that acknowledge their feelings without necessarily agreeing with their facts. “You’re acknowledging and validating,” he says. “That’s the key.”
   
   Try these phrases:“You know what? That’s a really good point.”“I can see why you’d be upset about that. That makes perfect sense.”“You’re right, you do work incredibly long hours. I don’t know how you do it.”
   
   This isn’t about being disingenuous. It’s about recognizing their emotional state to lower their defenses. As Joe explains, you are “making that person feel right, making them inflated, making them feel special.” Once they feel heard, they become more receptive to finding a solution. This is a strategic way to get the child support you need or the schedule change that benefits your child.
   
2. Ask “Help Me Understand”
   This is Joe’s favorite question, and for good reason. The word “why” can feel accusatory and immediately put someone on the defensive (“Why would you do that?!”). But “help me understand” is an invitation. It’s non-inflammatory and accomplishes three critical things at once.
   
   
   • It gets them talking. This gives you valuable insight into their true motivations, fears, and priorities.
   
   
   • It makes them feel important. You are positioning them as the expert on their own perspective, which is exactly what a self-centered individual wants.
   
   
   • It buys you time. While they are explaining their position, you are not reacting. You are listening, gathering information, and formulating your response from a calm, strategic place.
   By using this phrase, you shift the dynamic from a battle to a data-gathering mission. You are no longer a target; you are a researcher looking for a path to resolution.
   
   
3. Create a Protective Barrier for Your Peace of Mind
   
   Joe spoke about the jarring experience of being in an important meeting only to have your phone buzz with an “all caps, nastygram” from your ex. That constant disruption makes it impossible to be present for your work, your friends, and most importantly, your children. This is where creating boundaries is non-negotiable.He likened a co-parenting app to a “velvet rope,” cordoning off the conflict so it doesn’t spill into every corner of your life. This is precisely the philosophy behind tools in the BestInterest app. The Message Shield automatically filters out profanity and personal attacks, allowing you to read the essential information without the emotional poison. Our Tone Guardian acts as your own personal editor, ensuring your replies are calm and business-like, preventing you from getting pulled back into the fray. By creating this protective digital space, you choose when and how you engage, allowing you to practice the “detached engagement” Joe recommends and reclaim your mental peace.

Finding Your Peacemaker: How to Choose the Right Mediator

If Joe’s story has convinced you that mediation is a better path, the next step is finding the right professional to guide you. Not all mediators are created equal, and your success often depends on finding the right fit for your unique situation. During our conversation, Joe laid out a few critical factors to consider when choosing a mediator.

Match the Professional to the Problem

First and foremost, look for a mediator with experience in the specific issues you’re facing. “If you have a spouse who suffers from a behavioral issue,” Joe notes, “I’m not your mediator. You would need a mediator who has a mental health background.” Conversely, Joe’s background in finance and as a business owner makes him uniquely qualified to handle cases involving complex assets, high net worth, or business valuations. Don’t be afraid to ask about a mediator’s background, training, and professional experience to ensure it aligns with your family’s needs.

Experience and Resolution Rate Matter

While everyone has to start somewhere, Joe emphasizes that when conflicts are hot and the stakes are high, experience matters. You want someone who has seen it all and knows how to navigate treacherous emotional waters. Ask a potential mediator about their case resolution rate. According to Joe, a good mediator should be able to resolve at least 70% of their cases. “Good mediators are gonna be able to get people who were at loggerheads to agree. That’s their job,” he says. For context, his firm boasts a 98% resolution rate. A high rate is a strong indicator that the mediator is skilled at more than just “trying”—they are skilled at succeeding.

Ensure They Understand the System (Especially for Post-Judgment Issues)

If you are already divorced and seeking to modify an existing agreement (a post-judgment issue), it’s crucial to find a mediator who is familiar with your state’s court system. They need to understand the process for filing change orders and what documentation the courts require. An inexperienced mediator can inadvertently cause delays or create agreements that the court won’t accept, costing you more time, money, and stress.

A Final Message of Hope

For any parent listening who feels scared, overwhelmed, and trapped by their situation, Joe’s final words are a lifeline. “It will be okay. This too shall pass,” he assured. The conflict feels all-consuming right now, but it is a season, not a life sentence. Your children will grow up. They will become adults with their own perspectives.

“When they become adults,” Joe shared with conviction, “if you are truly the one who supported them, and was there for them and showed them unconditional love, they’re gonna figure that out… Just know that you just keep doing the right things over and over and over.”

This is the ultimate truth of coparenting beyond conflict. You cannot control your ex, but you can control your own actions. By choosing peace over battle, communication over contempt, and your child’s well-being over your own anger, you are playing the long game. And in the end, that is the only game that matters. The full conversation with Joe Dillon is one of the most important episodes we’ve ever released, and I urge you to listen to it for a deeper dive into these transformative strategies.

Resources Mentioned

• Equitable Mediation: To learn more about Joe Dillon’s work, access free articles, courses, and checklists, visit his website at equitablemediation.com.
• Book: Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It by Chris Voss.
• Book: Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In by Roger Fisher and William Ury.
• Article: “Divorce Mediation: What You Need to Know” via Psychology Today.
• Tool: Document interactions and maintain your peace with the BestInterest Coparenting App.