How to Protect Your Peace in a High-Conflict Divorce with Karen Covy

If you are reading this, there is a good chance you are somewhere in the middle of one of the hardest experiences a person can go through. The divorce rate for first marriages hovers around 40 to 50 percent, but the statistics don’t capture what it actually feels like to navigate a high-conflict split while trying to protect your kids, your finances, and whatever is left of your sanity. When I sat down with Karen Covy, I knew within the first few minutes that this was going to be one of those conversations that changes how you see everything.

Karen is an attorney, mediator, divorce coach, and author who has spent her career standing in the gap between what people think the legal system will do for them and what it actually does. Her message is equal parts sobering and hopeful, and I want to share it with you here.

Why Karen Covy Says the Court Can’t Give You What You Really Need

One of the most powerful moments in my conversation with Karen came early on, when she described walking into divorce court for the first time after a decade as a trial lawyer. Her reaction? “This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen.” She wasn’t being flippant. She was pointing to something that anyone who has been through the family court system knows in their bones: the adversarial model of litigation is a terrible fit for families.

Karen told me something that I want you to really sit with: the law accounts for about 10% of what divorce actually involves. The other 90% is your finances, your children, your identity, your social life, your housing, and the enormous emotional weight of all of it. Your lawyer is only equipped—and only paid—to handle that 10%. Nobody warns you about that gap when you sign the retainer.

What Karen said in our lightning round section of the episode crystallized this perfectly. When I asked her to finish the sentence, “The family court system can’t give you…” she answered without hesitation: “justice.” Most people walk into court looking for emotional justice, she explained. But the court is designed to do exactly one thing: make a decision for two people who cannot make one themselves. That’s it. If you go in expecting anything else, you are setting yourself up for profound disappointment.

This is exactly why tools that help you document, communicate, and stay organized outside of court matter so much. The Coparenting Journal inside the BestInterest app, for example, lets you log incidents, exchanges, and parenting concerns in real time—building a private record that belongs to you, not a courtroom.

Karen Covy’s “CEO of Your Divorce” Framework

If there is one concept from this episode I wish every divorcing parent would internalize, it is this one. Karen describes the mindset shift required to navigate divorce successfully as becoming the CEO of your own divorce.

Most people hand the wheel to their attorney and assume they are being driven somewhere good. But Karen is clear: your lawyer is not your CEO. They are one specialist on a much larger team. The CEO role belongs to you, and filling it means making intentional decisions about where you want to end up and which professionals you need around you to get there.

She draws on Stephen Covey’s principle of “beginning with the end in mind.” If you know where you are going—what your life needs to look like five years from now, what your children need, what your financial baseline must be—you can make decisions in service of that vision. Without it, as Karen put it, you might end up “with the Tupperware but not your kids on Christmas.”

She also made a point I found incredibly reassuring for parents who are feeling overwhelmed by cost: building the right team is actually cheaper than relying solely on your lawyer. A realtor only gets paid when the house sells. A lender only gets paid when the mortgage closes. A financial advisor or divorce coach often costs a fraction of attorney hourly rates. And each of these specialists brings depth that a generalist attorney simply cannot provide. If you are wondering where to start, Karen’s guidance is clear: do your homework before you ever walk into a lawyer’s office.

5 Strategies Karen Covy Recommends for Surviving a High-Conflict Co-Parenting Situation

This is where the conversation got deeply practical for those of us who are already post-divorce and living in the ongoing reality of high-conflict co-parenting. Here are the five strategies Karen shared that I found most actionable.

1. Understand who you are actually dealing with. Karen was direct: if you were married to a high-conflict person, you are going to be divorced from a high-conflict person. The personality does not change at the courthouse door. Accepting this reality—clearly, without catastrophizing it—is the foundation of every other strategy. Be prepared to go to trial if necessary. Know the game before you play it.
2. Move all communication to a structured channel. Karen specifically mentioned co-parenting apps as a tool she recommends because they create a memorialized record. When your ex knows that every message could end up in front of a judge, they are—at least theoretically—more likely to think before they type. If your ex sends hostile or manipulative messages, the BestInterest app’s Message Shield automatically filters out the toxic content before it even reaches you, protecting your nervous system while preserving the record.
3. Build a hyper-specific parenting plan. Vague parenting plans are a gift to high-conflict co-parents who want to manipulate ambiguity. Karen recommends specifying exactly where and when transitions happen, what happens if one parent is late, how decisions get made in emergencies, and who has final say on specific categories like schooling or medical care when parents cannot agree. Treat your parenting plan like a business contract, not a handshake agreement.
4. Set and hold boundaries—differently than you would with a reasonable person. Karen was clear that you cannot set boundaries with a high-conflict ex the same way you would with a cooperative one. Saying “you can’t talk to me like that” will only escalate things. Instead, the boundary is behavioral: “If you start screaming, I’m going to hang up and we will communicate through the co-parenting app.” Then you do it. Every time. Consistency is everything. Boundary-setting, Karen reminded us, is a learnable skill—not a personality trait you either have or don’t.
5. Get your child a therapist and take the high road. When a high-conflict co-parent is manipulating your children, the instinct to fight back and correct the narrative is completely understandable. Karen says resist it. Children love both parents regardless. Instead, give your child a safe, neutral space through therapy. You will get the “bad behavior” because your child knows your love is unconditional. That is not a sign you are losing. That is a sign you are safe.

The Paralysis Problem: What to Do When You Feel Completely Stuck

One of the things Karen said that resonated most deeply with me was her description of the mental loop that so many divorcing parents get trapped in. You start trying to solve every problem at once. You loop. What about the house? What about the kids? What about money? What about… and around and around it goes.

Her prescription is simple but requires real discipline: do the smallest possible thing you can do today. Then tomorrow, do another small thing. She references James Clear’s Atomic Habits and the concept of habit stacking—it is the accumulation of tiny consistent actions, not heroic sprints, that moves you forward.

She also made the important point that the emotional and psychological work has to happen alongside the legal and logistical work, not after it. The court does not process your grief for you. Your lawyer does not process it for you. If you skip that step, you end up with a parenting arrangement that looks fine on paper but is completely unworkable in real life because the emotional roots of the conflict were never addressed.

This is something I see constantly in the BestInterest community. Parents who are still emotionally in the marriage, or still hoping the court will somehow vindicate them emotionally, keep reengaging with conflict in ways that hurt them and their kids. The Smart Silence feature in BestInterest was built specifically for this: to help you create breathing room from reactive communication so you can respond from a grounded place rather than a triggered one.

What Karen Covy Taught Me About Letting Go

Near the end of our conversation, I asked Karen to finish a few sentences in a lightning round. Her answer to one of them has stayed with me.

“Peace starts when parents stop trying to…”

“…be right,” she said. And she followed it with a question I think every co-parent needs to sit with: Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?

As parents going through high-conflict divorce, so much of our energy goes into being right. Winning the argument. Getting justice. Proving that we were the better parent all along. Karen is not dismissing any of that pain. She is just pointing out that clinging to it costs you. The harder you hold, she said, “the more it’s like the sand running through your fingers.”

The goal is not to win against your ex. The goal is to win peace for your children. Those are two very different games, and only one of them is worth playing. If you are still struggling with this shift, I also recommend reading about how your difficult ex can actually become your most powerful catalyst for personal growth.

You Do Not Have to Do This Alone: Build Your Board of Directors

Karen’s parting advice for listeners who are deep in the trenches was characteristically grounded: “Take one step at a time, and baby steps count.” She also reminded us that getting help is not a sign of weakness. You cannot see the forest for the trees when you are inside it. An outside perspective—a coach, a therapist, a mediator, a financial advisor—is not a luxury. It is a strategic necessity.

If you are not sure where to turn, the BestInterest Coparent Coach is a free AI-powered resource available directly in the app. It can help you think through communication challenges, anticipate conflict triggers, and stay focused on what actually matters: your children’s wellbeing. It is not a replacement for the human professionals Karen recommends, but it is available at two in the morning when everything feels impossible and you just need to think something through.

I cannot recommend this episode of Coparenting Beyond Conflict highly enough. Karen Covy brings a rare combination of legal expertise, emotional intelligence, and hard-won wisdom that is genuinely difficult to find. Whether you are just beginning to consider divorce, deep in litigation, or years out and still navigating a high-conflict co-parenting dynamic, there is something in this conversation for you.

Listen to the full episode here and let Karen’s insights meet you exactly where you are.

Resources Mentioned in This Episode

• Karen Covy’s Website: karencovy.com — Connect with Karen for coaching, resources, and her books on navigating divorce.
• Atomic Habits by James Clear: jamesclear.com/atomic-habits — The framework Karen references for taking small, consistent steps forward through overwhelm.
• The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey: The classic on intentional goal-setting that Karen applies directly to the divorce process.
• Bill Eddy’s BIFF Method: How Bill Eddy’s BIFF Method Can Help You Communicate with High-Conflict People — A deeper look at the communication framework Karen recommends for managing a high-conflict ex.
• Coparenting Beyond Conflict Podcast, Episode 9: Listen on Buzzsprout — The full conversation with Karen Covy.
• BestInterest App: Solo Mode — Use BestInterest even if your co-parent won’t, to filter, document, and manage all communication from one protected space.

FAQs

I feel completely overwhelmed by my divorce. Where do I even begin?

Start smaller than you think you need to. Divorce attorney and coach Karen Covy recommends borrowing from James Clear’s Atomic Habits: instead of trying to solve everything at once, pick one manageable action and do it consistently. The goal isn’t to have it all figured out — it’s to build enough momentum to take the next step. Forward motion, even tiny forward motion, is what breaks the paralysis.

How do I make good decisions when I can barely think straight?

Before you make any decision, get clear on what you actually want your life to look like on the other side of this. Karen applies Stephen Covey’s principle of “beginning with the end in mind” directly to divorce: when you know where you’re trying to go, individual decisions become much easier to evaluate. Without that clarity, every choice feels equally impossible.

My co-parent sends hostile or manipulative messages. How should I respond?

Bill Eddy’s BIFF method is designed exactly for this. Keep responses Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm — and nothing else. No defending yourself, no explaining your feelings, no taking the bait. A BIFF response gives the other person nothing to escalate with and keeps you out of the drama loop. Karen recommends it as a core skill for anyone dealing with a high-conflict ex.

What if my co-parent refuses to use any co-parenting tools or apps?

You can still protect yourself. BestInterest’s Solo Mode is built for exactly this situation — you can filter, document, and manage all communication from one place even if your co-parent won’t participate. Having a clear record of what was said and when matters enormously, whether for your own sanity or for legal purposes down the line.

Do I need a divorce coach, a therapist, or a lawyer — and what’s the difference?

They serve very different functions and most people going through divorce benefit from more than one. A lawyer handles the legal and financial mechanics. A therapist helps you process the emotional weight of what you’re going through. A divorce coach like Karen bridges both worlds — she helps you get clear on your goals, make strategic decisions, and navigate the process without losing yourself in it. If you can only start with one, start with whichever gap feels most urgent right now.