Letting Go of Resentment After Divorce with Jill Kaufman & Justin Milrad

When the paperwork is signed but the anger is still there, co-parenting can feel like a conversation you never get to leave. You may be waiting for an apology, an acknowledgment, or some sign that the other parent understands what happened.

I sat down with Jill Kaufman and Justin Milrad on Coparenting Beyond Conflict to talk about moving forward from that place. Their point is not that you should stop caring about what happened. It is that your next decision does not have to depend on getting the response you want from your former partner.

Jill is a licensed therapist, mediator, and divorce coach. Justin is an entrepreneur and divorce coach who describes an eight-day trial and seven figures in legal expenses during his own divorce. They bring both personal and professional experience to their book, The Co-Parenting Playbook: Proven Strategies for Navigating Divorce, Conflict, and Raising Thriving Kids.

Letting go of resentment does not require an apology

Justin describes spending almost three years feeling like the victim in his divorce. Working with a divorce coach helped him consider an uncomfortable possibility: he might never get the fairness or sense of justice he was looking for.

His perspective shifted toward the life he could build and the father he wanted to be. As he puts it:

“no one wins in divorce, but you can win in life.”

Jill talks about the same difficulty from her own experience. Fourteen years after her divorce, some desire for acknowledgment remained. The difference was that it had become more manageable as she moved forward with her life.

That distinction matters. You can have feelings about the past without making every present-day exchange an attempt to resolve it. Acceptance, as Jill and Justin discuss it, concerns what you can do with the situation in front of you; it does not require approving of another person’s behavior.

Ask whose need a decision is serving

Jill and Justin describe a child-first decision filter with two questions:

• How does this directly affect my child’s well-being?
• Am I acting for my child’s needs, or to meet an emotional need of my own?

Justin uses the example of wanting to poke the other parent or focus on what feels fair. The questions create a pause before that impulse becomes a decision the children have to live with.

A practical place to use that pause is an everyday logistics disagreement. Before answering a message about pickup, separate the information your child needs from the argument you feel pulled into. The aim is to make the next exchange useful, even if the bigger disagreement remains unresolved.

Make communication more useful and less reactive

Jill recommends getting help reviewing how written messages sound. She also discusses Bill Eddy’s BIFF method and the value of noticing something genuinely positive the other parent has done when that fits the situation.

This is an invitation to be intentional about your communication, rather than a requirement to offer praise or become emotionally close. Boundaries still matter. A tool such as Tone Guardian can help review your outgoing wording before you send a message.

Justin focuses on the practical information parents need to share. He describes dividing responsibilities with his former spouse: one handled forms while the other handled signups. He also discusses the problems created when a parent withholds information about activities or pickup arrangements.

A useful question is whether the other parent has the information needed to carry out the next responsibility. A shared calendar can give dates and logistics a consistent home, while agreed communication channels can reduce confusion about where to find an update.

Build a parenting plan for more than the next few months

The conversation also looks beyond the immediate divorce agreement. Children grow, their activities change, and new expenses appear.

Justin raises examples such as milestone celebrations, tutoring, and college. His point is to discuss foreseeable pressure points before they become an urgent disagreement. Jill describes how some arrangements in her own family evolved over time as communication improved.

Rather than assuming a plan will anticipate everything, use those examples to identify questions for the qualified professional helping with your situation. What upcoming decisions deserve attention? How will changes be discussed? What happens when you cannot agree?

The episode offers subjects to explore, not a parenting-plan template or a substitute for advice about your own legal and financial circumstances.

You can choose your approach when cooperation is limited

I asked Jill and Justin about the listener whose co-parent is not willing to collaborate. Jill’s response returns to how you want to show up, even when you cannot control the other person’s actions.

That does not mean one parent can make a cooperative relationship happen alone. It also does not make you responsible for someone else’s hostility. These ideas need to fit the boundaries and safety needs of your family; they are not a reason to abandon safeguards or force contact.

You can still choose a clearer message, keep a record of an important exchange, or get support before responding. Solo Mode is one way to use BestInterest without requiring the other parent to join.

The next step can be small. Pick one upcoming exchange and decide what it needs to accomplish for your child. You do not have to settle the history of your divorce in that message.

Episode and resources

• Listen to Episode 22 with Jill Kaufman and Justin Milrad on Buzzsprout.
• Find The Co-Parenting Playbook on Amazon.
• Learn more about Jill Kaufman.
• Learn more about Justin Milrad.

This article discusses a podcast conversation and provides general information, not individual legal, financial, or mental-health advice.